1.
summer dies
here in the kitchen
from a cold I let in
2.
lovers' muffled whispers
between box spring groans
a gasp!
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Author's Comments
Written in the Library here at Concordia. I did them for `jade-pandora's Senryu Workshop, which is hosted by the *Writers-Workshop. I'm not sure what's right, wrong, good, or bad, so I'm waiting to hear back. Critique's welcome, as always.
changed the second one because I thought it too cryptic a thought to work into this fresh form for me. changed the second one again! |
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Comments
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What is Rosengrove? What is Rosengrove? What is Rosengrove?
ChatDALive
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Yes, adequately disturbing.
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"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper." -Robert Frost
Lover's muffled whispers
Between boxspring groans
Oh--a gasp!
I don't know how I like it, or if it's needed. Just sounding it off you.
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I like the way your first piece in particular uses a “cold” to illustrate the sudden reality of changing seasons! My only advice would be to remember that senryu, like most Japanese short forms, does not rely on capitalization unless the word is a proper noun.
Lovely imagery Trista-- and thank you for participating in the workshop!
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玉
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