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1.
summer dies
here in the kitchen
from a cold I let in

2.
lovers' muffled whispers
between box spring groans
a gasp!
©2008-2009 ~8ankH
:icon8ankh:

Author's Comments

Written in the Library here at Concordia. I did them for `jade-pandora's Senryu Workshop, which is hosted by the *Writers-Workshop. I'm not sure what's right, wrong, good, or bad, so I'm waiting to hear back. Critique's welcome, as always.

changed the second one because I thought it too cryptic a thought to work into this fresh form for me.

changed the second one again!

Comments


love 0 0 joy 1 1 wow 1 1 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconhaikukitty:
#1 is a great way to view the death of summer, one I had not thought of before. :clap:

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What is Rosengrove? What is Rosengrove? What is Rosengrove?


ChatDALive
:icon8ankh:
you're super kind!

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:orange: PEACE
:iconlaurence55:
I love the way you have used the exclamation mark to imply the "aha" moment in number two. That is a great way to make use of senryu's punctuation techniques! :D
:icon8ankh:
It took a couple edits before it started to feel right. Thanks! I'm happy with the results.

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:orange: PEACE
:iconthelightswentoutin99:
Hmm... a personal death of summer. It's interesting.

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Yes, adequately disturbing.
:icontdkb:
Loved how it just started off with summer dies. The second made me laugh. It reminded me of a few conversations I had with my girlfriend.

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"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper." -Robert Frost
:icon8ankh:
Thanks for commenting. I was thinking last night that it might be worth changing the second one slightly, so that the groan was more involved.
Lover's muffled whispers
Between boxspring groans
Oh--a gasp!

I don't know how I like it, or if it's needed. Just sounding it off you.

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:orange: PEACE
:iconjade-pandora:
Nicely done!

I like the way your first piece in particular uses a “cold” to illustrate the sudden reality of changing seasons! My only advice would be to remember that senryu, like most Japanese short forms, does not rely on capitalization unless the word is a proper noun.

Lovely imagery Trista-- and thank you for participating in the workshop! :)

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September 23, 2008
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