1.
summer dies
here in the kitchen
from a cold I let in
2.
lovers' muffled whispers
between box spring groans
a gasp!
1. summer dies here in the kitchen from a cold I let in 2. lovers' muffled whispers between box spring groans a gasp! |
Author's Comments
Written in the Library here at Concordia. I did them for `jade-pandora's Senryu Workshop, which is hosted by the *Writers-Workshop. I'm not sure what's right, wrong, good, or bad, so I'm waiting to hear back. Critique's welcome, as always.
changed the second one because I thought it too cryptic a thought to work into this fresh form for me. changed the second one again! |
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Comments
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What is Rosengrove? What is Rosengrove? What is Rosengrove?
ChatDALive
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Yes, adequately disturbing.
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"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper." -Robert Frost
Lover's muffled whispers
Between boxspring groans
Oh--a gasp!
I don't know how I like it, or if it's needed. Just sounding it off you.
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I like the way your first piece in particular uses a cold to illustrate the sudden reality of changing seasons! My only advice would be to remember that senryu, like most Japanese short forms, does not rely on capitalization unless the word is a proper noun.
Lovely imagery Trista-- and thank you for participating in the workshop!
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玉
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