Stanza 3 really stuck with me. I love it.

--
Unfortunately, I type faster than I think.

Sounds like a cold place for a soul to be... This one made me think. Nice job!

--
"His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. " Unknown

hey thanks a lot for stopping by, reading, and commenting! This was a really fun exercise that I want to make a habit.

--
PEACE

hey I'm glad through the poem you were taken somewhere! Sorry if there was a chill in the air.

--
PEACE

Hmm. I didn't know how to react to this until I re-read the category you placed it in and looked at every word in the context of "experimental."

It fits. I'm curious as to what was going on in your mind when you wrote this. I love the combination of the illicit ("lace panties") with purity ("diamond-encrusted virginity," "horses") and violence.

The first stanza nicely sets a theme and tone for the rest of the poem. The "darker horses" line seems somewhat out of place among the others, but I'm starting to like the imagery. It's an old cliche that small children, especially little girls, all want ponies. In that sense, darker horses could be more complex, dirtier desires - which fits with the poem. The entire stanza, after that line, is beautifully put together. I'm torn between being intrigued and finding it revolting. I read those lines over and over again before I'm able to move on, but I find myself crossing my legs, putting my arms over my belly, nervous and protective. The line about snapping strings is especially evocative.

The second stanza makes me want to meet the boy (man?) you're talking about. He sounds interesting as a character, especially because I can't quite determine what "half-melted snow" would mean in context, or whether it's good. My only qualm with this stanza is that "constantly" and "willingly" are too close. It comes across much like a badly-done rhyme does, and it breaks attention from the poem. "Willingly" is the one word that makes the stanza powerful, so I wouldn't suggest deleting it, but it might be worth experimenting with deleting the "constantly" or even just cutting the last line down to "willing."

The third stanza is beautiful. To me, at least, it gives a strong impression of how unformed and new to life the characters are, and how willing to experience things anyway. They want to experiment, more than anything - even if it hurts.

I like the last stanza, too. I think it adds meaning, but it seems a bit out of place. The jump from the very metaphorical third stanza to the concrete fourth one is too much. It seems like the fourth should be moved up a bit. A part of me likes the effect when the third and fourth stanzas are switched, and the word "willingly" changed to "willing," but that might not be what you're going for. I would suggest experimenting with the location of the last stanza, or perhaps with the wording, so that the entire poem flows more gently.

Overall, it's an interesting concept and it's well carried out. I like the imagery and, even though there are no named or even really identified characters, I can identify with them, and I'd like to meet them. Nice job.

You really created a wonderful found poem. I liked how many different images came to mind as I made my way through the poem. It starts out almost lightheartedly at first--with the diamonds and panties--and gets darker with the talk of dragging your soul through snow, and dark meat, etc. Good work.

--
it's spring when the world is puddle-wonderful

wonderful critique! Thanks for taking the time for me. I agree with much of your criticism, and offer only that it was a poem written by recomposing words and phrases found in a separate source. I was wary of making too many changes to the individual lines, so just sort of arranged them in a sequence that I felt satisfied to share. It was submitted as part of a workshop, and I am thrilled to have done the experiment! I will make more found poems like this throughout the year, and maybe you will come by again to read one or two sometime.

I will wait to edit it until after I have received further remarks, but I WILL revisit it. You have made it more interesting for me to see.

--
PEACE

this was a great exercise! I intend further exploration of this great form. Thanks for the feedback!

--
PEACE

Very Nice Tristan! This poem has a sensuality that intensifies to the very end. The image of “darker horses” and “diamond crusted pink virginities,” adds a decadent texture to the fluidity of this piece. In addition to the imagery, I greatly enjoyed this poem’s structure. The variances in ‘stanza length seems to resemble the “staggered” breaths of a couple in the moment of intimacy.

Well done dude! This is a great example of a “treated” found poem! Thanks for participating in the workshop!

Out of curiosity, what did you think about the process of constructing a found poem?