Join for FREE | Take the Tour Lost Password?
[x]

deviantART

 

brakes by ~8ankH:icon8ankH:

Categories Scraps


night musk.
the city recedes
  behind each pedal.
each braking lets go
animal-like warnings:
  I am here.
  beware.
I will not oil,
  nor seek repair.
©2008-2009 ~8ankH
:icon8ankh:

Author's Comments

mulled over, then written while doing laundry
submitted to a workshop on Sound Devices in poetry

Comments


love 2 2 joy 1 1 wow 1 1 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconevlwolf:
Mood: Awestruck =Evlwolf Aug 27, 2008, 4:32:59 PM
Wow, that's powerful.

--
My gummy bear army will kick your asses!!! ~ Evlwolf
Hidden by Owner
:iconqueen-of-marigold:
~Queen-of-Marigold Sep 4, 2008, 5:26:41 AM
I liked the ending, although I was a little confused by the first line. Also I think that if you're going to use punctuation I think that it might be more effective to use capital letters as well.

--
"Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world." -- Tennyson
:icon8ankh:
~8ankH Sep 4, 2008, 5:54:31 AM
Thanks! The first line does seem a little confusing now, but it's just something I wanted to cover. More of a smell than a sound. I guess capitalization is an important part of grammar.
Thanks for reading!

--
:orange: PEACE
:iconqueen-of-marigold:
~Queen-of-Marigold Sep 4, 2008, 5:56:41 AM
My pleasure :)
Perhaps it would have more impact if it felt more tied-in to the rest of the poem? Although it's ultimately up to you of course, so if you like it that way then don't let me put you off!

--
"Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world." -- Tennyson
:icon8ankh:
~8ankH Sep 4, 2008, 6:03:01 AM
I feel like I like it being pared right down, but I also wonder if I could thicken it, and have a better sensory understanding of movement and light. I'll workshop it this year.

--
:orange: PEACE
:iconqueen-of-marigold:
~Queen-of-Marigold Sep 4, 2008, 6:04:53 AM
Good luck! It will be worth the effort :)

--
"Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world." -- Tennyson
:iconmintleaves:
~mintleaves Sep 4, 2008, 7:13:31 AM
I enjoyed reading this--and it sort of makes me think of those poems that end with "What am I?" (And for your's the answer would be "brakes")

--
it's spring when the world is puddle-wonderful
:iconpunknera:
`PunknEra Sep 4, 2008, 9:41:33 AM
Since the prompt was about sound devices, I think you could have done more in the way of onomonopeia (using words that form the sound that they spell--common example being "buzz"). For example, instead of saying "animal-like warnings", you could have sounded out animal warnings with your words. You can work words like "growl" and "hoot" and "screech" into your poem. "Each screeching brake" or "the city recedes, growling" and go from there. Right now, I don't hear your poem, I simply read it, you know?

--
Punknera is no more! I am now *ATrue.
Previous Page123Next Page

Details

August 27, 2008
312 bytes

Statistics

22
0
138 (0 today)
4 (0 today)

Site Map

©2009 deviantART. All rights reserved
About Us | Contact Us | Site Tour | Help & FAQ Advertise | Services Etiquette | Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | Copyright Policy